Sexuality Through the Lens of Tiferet

Shely Esses, LMFT, RMFT, RP(Qualifying), AST & Spiritual Healer

 How can we plug in the wisdom of the middle path "דרך האמצע" in regards to sexuality?

In Judaism, it is clear, that sex is both for reproduction and pleasure. Learning how to live in balance with both notions is rooted in the deep understanding of Tiferet.

 Tiferet is one of the 10 sefirot. Tiferet, sits in the center of the sefirot, holding a connection (pipeline) with all of the other sefirot. Tiferet is the great harmonizer, which is a unique aspect of Tiferet. In English, Tiferet is described as the character development and aspect of balance, beauty, and truth.

The beauty of sex is the connection it offers to two individuals looking to merge. In Judaism, it is vital to participate in the mitzvah of "Pru Urvu" (reproduction) in order to continuously participate in the creation of this world. On the other hand, Judaism highlights the life-giving aspect of Oneg (Pleasure and delight) as the vitality of our very life force that keeps us alive in this world.

Pleasure is grounded in present-moment awareness with a sensation or experience that brings good feeling and positive emotions. It is a sensual flow state. On this double-sided coin pleasure is a key ingredient. Ideally, when a married couple is engaged in the mitzvah of Pru Urvu, it should be a pleasurable experience. The pleasure of present-moment awareness offers the ability to be in control of holy, loving, and sweet thoughts that go into the making of the baby. The physical pleasure of orgasm is an incredibly holy experience that offers good feelings and positive emotions, which is the right environment and vibe for reproduction!

Judaism encourages sex for pleasure. It is understood as a Torah rule that when a concept first appears in the Torah, the context of that word is the very essence of that concept. The first time we see sex for pleasure is with Isaac and Rebecca in Parsha Toldot. Isaac told Avimelech king of Gerar that Rebecca was his sister, so they would not try to kill him and abduct her. Therefore, in Genesis 26:8 King Avimelech saw Isaac "entertaining" Rebecca, and King Avimelech was horrified thinking incest was going on. Long story short, Avimelech does not harm Isaac or Rebecca. From this incident, we gained a deep understanding of sex for "entertainment". Our sages tell us that Isaac and Rebecca were having sex for pleasure.

The significance of the Torah telling us about sex for pleasure in the relationship between Isaac and Rebbeca is in the foundation of their name. Rebecca and Isaac are the only monogamous couple from the three fathers and four mothers. Isaac and Rebecca yearned for the deepest connection with each other as a basar echad (one flesh) which is cognizant in the pleasure of inner and sensual connection. The Torah highlights the importance of a marriage being a union of basar echad (one flesh)

Gematria (Hebrew numerology)

Isaac (יצחק) = 208

Rivka (רבקה) 307

208+307 = 515

 515 also = בשר אחד “one flesh”

In this understanding, it becomes clear that sex for pleasure is a pillar in a healthy marriage. The secret to a healthy marriage is inherent in the experience of basar echad.

The first mention of sex in general in Torah is between Adam and Eve and it is described as "la tada" meaning "to know." Sex is an opportunity to get to know your partner. Becoming basar echad is the ultimate holy pleasure that defies the separation illusion that we are all plagued with. Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler explains that when physical pleasure is used in the service of love, connection, and holiness, it becomes spiritually elevating. Thus, the secret is not simply having sex for pleasure but wanting to have sex for pleasure for all your years together, continuously elevating spirituality.

As an orthodox sex therapist, I see many Jewish marriages that lack permission for pleasure. Viewing sex through the lens of Tiferet helps us to understand the need for balance and truth in sex education, sex resources, and sex therapy in the Jewish world across the spectrum of religiosity.

There is a hesitancy to highlight pleasure in fear of the extreme. The problem is that when we don't talk about pleasure the other extreme takes shape. The lack of sex for pleasure is a major dip in vitality, which is essential for the health of the soul. The goal is not to suppress the animal soul but to refine and redirect its desires towards holiness. By doing so, even physical pleasure becomes a tremendous avenue for spiritual growth and connection.

Comfort with self is necessary for pleasurable sex. Sexual self-esteem is required to understand the playful and carefree basis of a sexual relationship with the self and spouse. Often in my work, I sense an incredible awkward energy around sexual self-esteem. Sexual self-esteem is developed carefully from a very young age. The moment a child becomes aware of their sexual organs is an opportunity for parents to water the childs sexual self-esteem, from a beautiful source of innocent truth.

Unfortunately, I often see the opposite to some degree where it becomes something to be ashamed of and to hide away. The strict stance on innocence without truth (tiferet) is devastating to the formation of the sexual esteem.

There is a world of Orthodox Judaism sex education that is filled with incredible insight, connection, and truth that is being shunned and tossed away. The cost is awkward marriages that lack long-term pleasure, with the assumption that some degree of pleasure was enjoyed in the beginning.

The lesson of Tiferet is to always return to the middle path. To fear the outside world's influence of immoral sexuality can easily turn into extreme protection. It is vital to fight for vitality and pleasure for the sake of holy pleasurable marriages. Long-term pleasure is the return to a Gan Eden marriage. The lesson is to start asking questions that investigate the extremes in our communities.

Sex for pleasure is a Jewish value, how can we shine our light onto nations on this topic if we can't talk about it? The world needs sex education through the lens of Tiferet.