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In Chassidut it is taught that the essense of the soul dwells in the inner most point of the heart. “The heart carries it’s own energy field, the electromagnetic field in the heart is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the brain and its magnetic field according to some estimates it is up 5000 times stronger” Harold S Burr., The Fields of Life, 1972.
“Sustaining Empathy for others begins with compassion for ourselves.” -Neff and Garner
Self-Compassion is a tool that ultimately helps someone be there for other people without losing themselves. The ability to know how to both give and receive is not as natural and easy for all people. If you are the kind of person that gives without receiving you might be effected by the mirror neuron effect. There is research that suggests that there is a special type of neuron dedicated to perceiving in our own bodies what others are experiencing. This is a visceral response that can both be a blessing and a curse. Empathy is a natural phenomenon, but without any boundaries or tools, it can easily become empathetic distress. Maybe some of you reading have identified more or less this tendency and, for those reasons stay away from events or situations that may trigger excessive empathy. There may be some of you who may totally isolate yourself because of this tendency. There are also maybe some of you who numb yourself to avoid these tendencies.
Uri Hasson, Professor of Psychology and neuroscience at Princeton University and his team recorded brain activity as someone is listening to a narrative (story). They found that when a person hears a story unfold, a person’s brainwaves will actually start to synchronize with those of the storyteller. This can also be a tremendous violation and an opportunity to take advantage of listeners. People need to be highly aware of this phenomenon and learn their heart. For better or for worse when somebody has a change in a belief is most often because of a story that “hits them in the heart.”
In my role as a therapist, I need to be hyper-aware of this tendency. A common reaction to empathetic resonance is to jump in with a solution before the person can even finish their story. Listening to someone else's pain can be really uncomfortable and draining. On the other hand, Empathetic distress can also bring up fears and personal memories that can become overwhelming and draining. A good therapist should stay away from both of those reactions as often as possible. The gut reaction to “fix” pain isn’t a sustainable choice or possibility in most cases. Learning how to really listen and offering deep validation and genuine sympathy is the gold standard. However, obviously, this is my job, and it’s expected for me to be able to do this. Nonetheless, I am human, and listening to painful life experiences day in and day out can be taxing. For people whose job requires them to listen to others peoples pain should be required to complete a course in self compassion for caregivers.
Self Compassion begins with equanimity, the practice of giving and receiving. Knowing how to receive is linked to strong boundaries. The emotion of worry is often associated with taking on others peoples problems as their own, specifically without boundaries. Byron Katie, founder of The Work says when something happens you should ask yourself if it 1) your problem 2) their problem or 3) god’s problem.When a person can identify that what happened is not their problem but still act as if it is their problem will often end up experiencing depletion. Taking on what is not ours is depleting! A person who lacks these boundaries might be parenting other people instead of caring and parenting themselves and often these personalities believe that giving to others is filling them up. This is a big mistake. Developing a stong consciousness of how we give is necessary so that a person can become familiar with their own desire of what they might like to receive. A person without boundaries will often also battle resentfulness towards other people for not showing up and receiving to them when they feel depleted.
In general, boundaries serve to create a sense of order, safety, and respect in various aspects of life. Boundaries help individuals navigate life while protecting their own needs and values, and contribute to a balances and respectful coexistence with others.
Boundaries Exercise
List some of your physical boundaries : ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List some of your personal boundaries: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List some of your psychological boundaries: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List some of your professional boundaries: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List some of your ethical boundaires: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Giving and Receiving Inventory Exercise
Can you take a few minutes to think about all of the people and situations you are giving your time and energy too?
Can you take a few minutes to think about the time and energy your you put towards yourself?
Can you differentiate between things that drain your energy and things that give you energy
Can you take a few minutes to differentiate between things that drain your energy and things that give your energy?
Prompt 1: Beliefs that take energy vs beliefs that give energy
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Prompt 2: Hobbies that take energy vs hobbies that give energy
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Promt 3: relationships that take energy vs relationships that give energy
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Promt 4: foods that drain your energy vs food that gives you energy
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Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self Compassion Workbook.
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